


My Head Goes Forward And My Heart Goes Back

by TinySpiney



Series: I See You [6]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Android Elijah Kamski, Gen, Human Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Human CyberLife Tower Connor | RK800-60 (Detroit: Become Human), Human Original Chloe | RT600, Human Upgraded Connor | RK900, Mildly Dubious Consent, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:14:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24121147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinySpiney/pseuds/TinySpiney
Summary: Title comes from Broken Machine by Nothing But ThievesSexual content between the dialogue between Connor and Chloe, up to the line "Connor hated it."
Relationships: Cole Anderson & Connor, Connor & CyberLife Tower Connor | RK800-60, Connor & CyberLife Tower Connor | RK800-60 & Upgraded Connor | RK900, Connor & Upgraded Connor | RK900, CyberLife Tower Connor | RK800-60/Gavin Reed, Original Chloe | RT600/Connor
Series: I See You [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1730275
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	My Head Goes Forward And My Heart Goes Back

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from Broken Machine by Nothing But Thieves
> 
> Sexual content between the dialogue between Connor and Chloe, up to the line "Connor hated it."

_ October 22nd 2035 2:18 PM _

  
  


Life wasn’t fair. Connor knew that perfectly well. With the way people treated Niles because of how shy he was, from their parents almost shunning Caleb for something he couldn’t control, Cole being left on his doorstep with he was barely even a week old. Connor knew firsthand that life took every opportunity to try and kick a person down. To tear their hopes and dreams apart. Take their life and dignity and just...leave it to rot. Connor lost his fucking life last week. Not in a literal sense, no. But in the metaphorical. Cole was… Cole was everything. So to know that he was almost twenty minutes fucking  _ late _ to his own son’s funeral. Well, he thought his family should expect it now. Should expect to be disappointed by Connor. He disappointed himself every time he was unlucky enough to look at himself in the mirror. He was lucky he couldn’t grow a bread that well, otherwise he’d have one with how frequently he avoided mirrors. 

But he sauntered up to the graveyard, hands shoved in his pockets and slightly dragging his feet against the pavement walkway. His parents were there, Caleb and Niles, Gavin and Amanda, even Chloe was there, Chris Miller too. Though he said he could only handle being at the funeral, he hugged Connor and told him it was a damn tragedy. He said something else about wanting to find the fucker who was too high on Red Ice to operate and beat ‘em senseless. Connor gave a little snort laugh. Yeah, that he could get. 

It was a small ceremony. If it could even be called a ceremony. People wore black and got together to cry their emotions out. Connor didn’t want to cry. Connor wanted to scream and find the bastard who took his son from him, punch the fucker in the face until he couldn't feel his hands anymore. But instead he stood patiently between his mother and Caleb. Words were spoken, a coffin was lowered into the ground, flowers tossed into the grave, then it was covered up. Dirt shovelled over them and the coffin. Left to be tucked away, six feet under the ground. Six feet away from Connor. Though so many, many more in all reality. 

There was usually a morbid afterparty when it came to funerals. Gathering at the house of the people closest to the deceased to eat and talk about their life. For an adult dying, it wasn’t great. People would talk about how good they were, how bright and full of life. For a child, however. No one wanted to talk about it. At least no one Connor  _ invited _ wanted to. Chloe Kamski was standing in his living room with her damn android by her side. Connor knew it wasn’t Elijah’s fault, he was just following her around because she told him to. She had the audacity to talk to him as if she knew him. As if she knew  _ Cole. _ She didn’t. She wasn’t even welcome in this fucking house. But she talked to Connor as if nothing was wrong, as if nothing had happened. She spoke as if they were long-time friends. Even laughing at her own crude and wildly inappropriate jokes. Connor knew better, he fucking knew. Gavin told the brothers stories. How fucked up she was as a kid, then burying herself in tech to create androids, the disagreements she got into with the board and ultimately leading to her leaving CyberLife. 

Amanda had to shoo her out of the house. But Chloe fought to have the last word, poking her head back through the doorway and saying she and Elijah would see him again soon. Then, as the door closed, Amanda sighed and turned to Connor. The look on her face could have killed him. As if seeing his divorced parents under the same roof didn’t already somehow. But Amanda...she looked disappointed. She looked less than thrilled to have Connor standing before her. He knew why. She taught him how to be a parent because his weren’t around to help him. Amanda had somewhat become a motherly figure for him, almost like Cole’s grandmother. They made their own makeshift family; him, his brothers, Gavin, and Amanda. Connor… He let her down. He let his son die. Her grandson. There was no way he would be able to go into work, not for a little while at least. Connor couldn’t bear to look her in the eye. He looked to Amanda for help, and she gave it to him. She helped whenever she could. She even let Connor drop Cole off at her house, even referred to her as his grandmother on multiple occasions. He had relied on her as family does. Had let her into his life as someone who was family to his son. He let her in, and he let her down. He couldn’t do that again. Couldn’t let her down. He’d do better, he’d work harder on cases. Not that it could bring his son back. But Connor didn’t like the look of disappointment on her face. How it made him feel like the world was shattering around him and it was all his fault. 

Amanda didn’t say anything as she left to go sit with a silently crying Caleb and angry Gavin on the couch. Talk to them softly. Niles was on the ground, crying and hugging Sumo. Connor knelt next to them and put a hand on Niles’ shoulder. The hug was instant. Connor sat on the floor with his little brother, letting himself be crushed in a hug. Letting Niles hold him around the waist and openly sob into the crook of his neck. Connor...had to fight off the tears himself. He was never really a crier, per se, but if one of his brothers was upset then he would tend to be as well. It was a miracle he didn't start crying at the funeral when Caleb did. But Niles… Fuck it, Niles was crying. Niles was fucking  _ sobbing. _ There was no way Connor could hold it in when his baby brother was clinging to him for dear life, like if he were to let go Connor might disappear. So he held on just as tightly, and he cried too. Eventually Gavin and Caleb joined them. Connor didn’t know when, nor did he really care. But his brothers were on the floor with him. Shaking and crying and holding on to each other like they were afraid of what might happen if they let go. As sobs and shallow gasps for breath ripped through his chest and threatened to kill him. As his asthma started to act up so badly that Caleb went into his own coat pocket and made Connor take his inhaler. As he almost wished Caleb didn’t have it. 

During them crying, Amanda must have left. Connor couldn’t blame her. He could hear his parents getting into a fight in the other room. The other room? Connor bolted upright, stumbling down the hall to find Cole’s door open. No, no please, fuck, no. Anywhere but in there. Despite his pleas out to the universe, which may very well have been said out loud as well, he looked inside and found his parents crying and arguing. His mother had Hank, the teddy bear. But he put him on Cole’s bed. That was where he was supposed to stay. He was supposed to stay in Cole’s bed. All tucked in like nothing was fucking wrong. Where he would stay until Connor had the balls to go inside and start organizing everything to give to charities. He stormed in, taking the bear from his mother’s hands, and shouting at them to get out. To get the hell out of his house. He didn’t want them there, he knew this would happen. He couldn’t have a fucking moment of rest. He couldn't get a goddamn  _ break _ from whatever shit they had with each other, even though his son was dead. Even though their grandson was fucking dead in the goddamn ground! Even though he was in a wooden fucking box and put in the fucking dirt! And his mother had the  _ audacity _ to look him dead in the eye with a sneer and tell him;

  
  


“Well, if you didn’t go out that night, he’d still be alive.”

  
  


Connor’s hands balled into fists and he took a deep breath. He told them to leave, they were trespassing on private property. His father walked right past him and apologised, saying he wished Connor the best. He didn’t say anything back. He stared at his mother as she didn’t move. As she said she was his mother and she wasn’t leaving without saying goodbye to Niles. So Connor got his cuffs from the other room, his bedroom, and showed them to her. He dangled them and told her it could be easy or it could be hard. The choice was hers and hers alone. She brushed past him with a huff, and tried to hug Niles on her way out. But he shrunk away from her, hiding somewhat behind Caleb. Gavin crossed his arms and told her to leave. When she tried to object, Gavin pulled up his badge and told her there were three cops in that fucking house. So she spat at him, saying she didn’t trust him because of his dealing with Red Ice cases anyway. 

And then there were four. The brothers all sat huddled up together on Connor’s bed with Sumo. Niles had cried until he fell asleep, half curled up on Connor and holding him around his waist again. Caleb and Gavin were tangled in each other on Connor’s other side. Though this time, Connor had his arms around Caleb’s waist as he half laid on Gavin. They didn’t say anything. They just laid in bed together, crammed into a bed that was much too small of four grown men and a Saint Bernard. After a few hours of just...existing...Gavin said that he wanted to go home. Caleb wanted to go with him. The movement of the two getting out of the bed jostled Niles enough that he woke up. Caleb quickly apologised, and gave him a very rare kiss on the forehead. He hadn’t been physically affectionate with Niles since he was a little kid. Fuck, it must have hit them hard if Caleb actually did that. Niles stood with them both. He was going to walk them to the door at least. But Connor told them all to go. He didn’t want anyone there, he wanted to be alone. Sort out his thoughts and cry by himself and pet Sumo. None of them wanted him to be alone. He knew that. They knew he knew that. But he just...couldn’t handle them all being there at once. He couldn’t handle that his family was in his house, and yet there was someone missing. He wanted to be left by himself to cry and subsequently fall asleep. He gave the three of them hugs, kisses on the cheeks, and then got bundled up under his covers. Gavin patted his shoulder and told him to try not to do anything bad tonight. Then they left. 

Connor was left alone in his empty house that felt far too big for him now. It felt far too quiet. Usually Cole would be home from school by now, he’d be doing his homework with Connor’s help if he needed it, and then he’d run around because he was a ball of energy. Connor reached under his bed, then stopped. Alcoholism was a slippery slope, and he was scared of it. So he got out of bed, put his shoes on, and drove down to the gas station nearest to his house. He must have looked like shit going in. Still in his white dress shirt and black slacks, rumpled and covered in dog hair, eyes probably bloodshot from the crying earlier. But the cashier behind the counter was some android. Programmed to smile and ask if he wanted anything from the back wall. So he asked which cigarettes had the highest concentration of nicotine in them, and bought them. He had a vintage silver lighter his father got him for his eighteenth birthday in the glovebox just in case he ever needed it. Well, it looked like he needed it. He looked up places in Detroit where he would be able to smoke inside. Of course, can’t have shit in Detroit. There was only one that was open at almost eight at night. An anti-android bar that was a few miles away from the DPD. Connor sighed and lit a cigarette, he didn’t know what he was doing, he had never smoked before. He only saw shit in movies and shows, so he wasn’t prepared for the sting in his lungs. How they ached and screamed for him to stop. Connor coughed rather violently in the front seat of his car, almost getting out just in case he coughed so hard he got sick. But his lungs calmed down after a few more tries, and he set off to Jimmy’s Bar. 

It was a dingy place. Smelled awful and there were a ton of faces he recognised from mugshots. They all went on edge when they saw the badge at his hip, and honestly, Connor didn’t blame them. But he took a seat at the bar and asked for an empty shot glass to put the ashes in. The bartender introduced himself as Jimmy and slid a glass his way. For an anti-android guy he wasn’t actually too disrespectful. At least he wasn’t until one walked into the bar. He sneered at it, telling the plastic to get the hell out of his bar. But Connor recognised Elijah’s voice and groaned. He apologised to Jimmy, saying he was his sister-in-law’s android. Damn thing followed him around when she wanted to keep tabs on him. Jimmy, rather rudely, told him to tell the pastic to fuck off outta the bar. Connor had to give it to him, he wasn’t afraid to sass a cop. So he got up, grabbing Elijah by his arm, and took him out of the bar. Connor knew he wouldn’t get the hang of talking with a cigarette in his mouth the night he started, so he held it between his first two fingers and spoke. He asked Elijah what he was doing there, why Chloe sent him to get Connor. He just tilted his fucking head and said she was waiting for him at his home. Connor may have been angry, but he wasn’t going to make Elijah walk back to the house. They got in his old as hell car and he smoked on the way home. 

Sure enough there was an automated car in the driveway. Just looking at it made Connor nauseous. He never wanted to see another fucking self-driving car again. Instead of wishing it would burst into flames if he glared hard enough, he sighed and went inside with Elijah. Though Chloe was nowhere to be seen.  _ She better not be in Cole’s room. _ Well, she wasn’t in Cole’s room. She seemed to be in the fucking shower,  _ and she was singing. _ Connor was never one for romantic relationships, he considered himself aromantic, but that voice was the kind that the people in movies fell in love with. Though soon the voice stopped and the water turned off. Elijah stood next to Connor with Chloe’s clothes. So she fully intended on waiting for him, on using his shower, just being in the house as if it were her own. Fucking asshole. What a pompous and egomaniacal asshole. Chloe stepped out of the bathroom wrapped up in Connor’s towel, and her hair somewhat tousled and dripping on the floor. 

  
  


“I wanted to give you my condolences in private, I thought it more appropriate.”

“You’re naked in my fucking house.” Connor toed out of his shoes and went into his room to get into his pajamas. “You can leave now. Thanks for stopping by, but I don’t like you.”

“I know you don’t, Connor, and I’m sorry for how I acted earlier.” Chloe actually looked upset when he looked at her. She was in a silk black robe Elijah must have been holding. She stepped into Connor’s bedroom a few paces, stopping just short of where he was standing. “It was--  _ This is _ inappropriate, and I apologise. I’ve never been good with people, you see. I-I wanted to apologise for my android’s failure to help your son.”

“You’re about a week too late for that, Chloe.” Connor turned and started to get undressed. He was too damn tired for this. “Go home. There’s nothing you can say that’ll make me feel better.”

“Is there anything I can  _ do, _ then?”

“No.” Connor took off his tie and set it in his closet. “No, there isn't. Nothing that I’d want, anyway.”

  
  


But her hands were already on him, helping him take off his shirt. Oddly enough, he didn’t refuse her. He stood perfectly still as she slid it off his shoulders, gently tracing the freckles on his chest and smiling as she drew star maps. Connor had...never felt this before. Doted over in such a way. He sighed softly as Chloe’s hands wandered further downward. She leaned into him, softly kissing his chest and letting him grab at her shoulders. This was wrong. This was so wrong, his son’s funeral was earlier that day. He kicked his parents out of his house because they were in his dead son’s room. But this  _ feeling. _ It shot up his spine and made his head fuzzy. Like alcohol, but without the fear, without the possibility of death if he got carried away. He threaded his fingers through Chloe’s hair and tugged on it as she started to help him out of his slacks. She giggled, and it sounded almost drunken, almost like she was enjoying this too much for the current pace of things. 

Connor let her undress him, and in turn she let him grope and grab at her. Chloe was tiny in every sense of the word. She was short, rather thin, rather flat chested. Yet wherever Connor grabbed at her, she filled his hands. So he kept doing it. As she backed him up against the bed, crawling on top of him when they fell on it. As she ground her hips down into his own, drawing an unholy sound from his throat he had never even heard before. He paid it no mind as she kissed him. Well, kissed his jaw and neck, rather. Finding out things about him that he never knew. Making him gasp and moan in ways he had never done before. He reached for her almost desperately, he wanted to forget, he wanted to get lost in something else. Lost in  _ someone _ else. And Chloe let him. 

They touched each other everywhere, Chloe let her robe drop around her body and she started to pull Connor’s boxers off. Connor knew what was happening to him, sure, but he didn’t  _ understand _ it. How the pressure started to build up inside of him. He never was really one for sex. Frankly, it disgusted him. But this… This was different. He moaned as Chloe palmed him while she grinned and quietly praised him, calling him beautiful and telling him just how good he was being. Connor’s hands went to her chest, gently kneading at her breasts and begging her to touch him, to play with him, to fuck him. But Chloe laughed, and it was pretty. It was gorgeous. Connor almost wanted to hear it again, but Chloe denied him of it. Instead taking one of his hands and pressing it up against herself, rocking against him until he got the message and put his fingers in her. Though she still had all the control. She rocked against him, tilted his hand how she wanted it, told him when he could move his fingers. She sounded lovely. Again, he was denied of hearing her again. Chloe smirked as she pulled his hand away and made him stroke himself with it.  _ Fuck, he wasn’t prepared for it. _ Connor shuddered and moaned out her name. Something Chloe seemed to just adore as she made him touch himself. And they stayed like that for a while, alternating between Chloe fucking herself on his hand, and making Connor touch himself with it. Then everything stopped and Chloe leaned down to whisper in his ear, she leaned and lowered herself onto him slowly. So painfully, agonizingly, slowly. Connor grasped at her hips, begging her to move, looking up at her through his lashes and pleading that she let him have this. Let him escape for a little while. 

Chloe’s eyes went wide, almost animalistic, and she grinned. A grin that ordinarily would make Connor shudder out of unease, and not anticipation. But it was anticipation. We wanted, he yearned,  _ he craved. _ It scared him, he had never wanted these things before. He didn’t have time to think as Chloe began to move. As she drew more sounds from Connor that he never knew existed inside of himself. Her touch felt white hot, her lips were on fire against his skin. She was, yet again, in complete control. She decided the pace and the force used. She decided where Connor put his hands and how loud he was. She decided if he got to touch her of his own accord or not. 

_ Connor hated it.  _

_ Connor hated himself.  _

Connor pulled his hands away and pushed Chloe off of him, still hard and aching for release. God, he felt  _ dirty. _ He threw her robe at her, shouting at her to get out of his house. That was  _ wrong, _ his son’s funeral was that day. He and his brothers just were laying in his bed a few hours ago. It wasn’t... _ tainted _ from stuff like that. Connor got up off his bed, shaking with...he didn’t know what. Anger, absolutely. But there was something else. It wasn’t quite fear, but he  _ was _ almost afraid of the bed. Of what happened in the bed. He never actually said he wanted it. He never actually told her he was okay with it. But he also didn’t say no, he also didn’t stop her. He wanted it, he begged Chloe to touch him. Maybe it was the lack of control. Maybe because he didn’t understand it and he wanted to know he could stop if he wanted. Well, he guessed he could. 

  
  


“Connor?” Elijah popped his head into the doorway, his LED was a solid red. That was...unusual. “May I come in for a moment?”

“Sure,” Connor croaked out. Fuck, he sounded awful. “I’ve got no dignity left to lose.”

“I’m...sorry for Chloe’s behaviour.” He absolutely wasn’t programmed to say something like that. Connor watched Elijah as he pulled out a set of Captain America pajamas from the closet and handed them to him. “She wanted to do that from the start, see if you would go with it. If you’d stop her and cause me to--” Elijah looked like he was so mad he was gonna cry. What the hell? Androids were machines, they didn’t feel emotions. “I’m so sorry she took advantage of you, Connor. I couldn’t break my program until I heard you shout for her to leave. I’m sorry I didn’t do anything, I-I  _ couldn’t. _ ”

“Elijah…”

“I’m sorry, I’ll take her home now.”

  
  


Connor stood in his bedroom, stark naked, and listened as Elijah reprimanded Chloe while walking out of the house. He also heard her excited chattering about how her experiment worked, Elijah was Deviant. Connor didn’t...know what that meant. He didn’t care to find out. Honestly speaking, it terrified him. What if she had done something like that to Elijah to figure out if he was... _ deviant _ or not? If she took advantage of him. He said he  _ broke _ his programming. Connor didn’t know what that meant. He just hoped the poor guy wasn’t endowed with emotions now, they always fucked everything up. He was worried about Elijah. Scared for him. Hell, he was scared for himself. Chloe looked genuine when she apologised. Looked like she really was sorry. But Elijah wasn’t programmed to lie, and even if he broke his programming, there was no guarantee he even knew how to. If Chloe could manipulate Connor and do... _ that. _ Then what else could she do? Would she try it again? The thought made Connor freeze. It terrified him.

Instead of dwelling in it, he put the pajamas on and headed out the door with Sumo. After he heard Chloe’s car leave first, of course. Connor drove to Niles’ house, and knocked on the door. It was late. Connor looked at his wrist looking for his watch and then remembered he took it off before the funeral. He almost wished that if he didn’t have the time he’d miss it. Fate would never be so kind to him, it seemed. Whatever, it couldn’t have been any later than ten. Chances were, Niles would be too worked up to sleep. He was. A few knocks later, he opened the door. Connor burst into tears once Niles opened the door further and let him in. Niles didn’t say anything, just asked him what he needed. 

  
  


“Sh-Shower.” Connor felt disgusting. “A-And a safe place to sleep. Safe from-- Jus-Just  _ safe. _ ” 

“You can shower here, you can sleep in my bed. I’ll take the couch.”

“No. No, please?” Connor reached for Niles and hugged him. “I don’t want to be alone.”

“Of course, Connor.” Niles looked at him like he did earlier. Like he might break if he said the wrong thing. “I’ll get the bed all sorted out. You get in the shower, okay?”

  
  


Connor got in the shower. He probably wasted most of Niles’ hot water by just standing there for what was probably close to a half hour. But Niles didn’t say anything as he got into bed beside him. All toasty and warm from his shower, comfortable in his superhero pajamas that Niles had actually bought for him. Sumo hopped up on the bed after Connor and Niles were comfortable. Then, in the dark of his brother’s room, Connor curled up against his brother and cried. Elijah was right. Chloe took advantage of him. She used him for her own selfish desires, for conducting a fucking experiment. Connor didn’t tell Niles what happened. He let his little brother hold him in his arms and fell asleep like that. 

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Well now, doesn't that just explain why Connor didn't have an outwards reaction to seeing Chloe in her robe with her titties almost out! As well as his discomfort around Elijah while in Chloe's house!


End file.
